Tuesday, August 29, 2017
That was my thought as I drove to the hospital, tears streaming down my face...
I'm not doing this right...
My dad is nearing the end of his 83 year long life...
I've never lost someone this close to me.
And I'm not handling it very well.
My dad will go on hospice this week (I only recently learned what that's really about).
He's got bone cancer...spawned from one of his other two cancers.
I've never seen such exhaustion.
Today the pain began in earnest.
I watched my strong dad--who knows the answer to everything and can fix anything--beg for help.
I couldn't help him.
I could pray though.
So I did.
I held his hand and prayed...so very hard...so very earnestly...
And then I began to cry and I couldn't get another word out so my mom prayed instead.
My dad prayed in one-word breaths...between our tears.
It has been a few days since I've prayed in sentences.
I've been unable to think of what to pray.
Why would I not be able to form a sentence on behalf of my dad to the One who can help him most?
I don't know why.
But I couldn't.
I called out to God but no thoughts or words came.
"The Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray as we ought, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." Romans 8:26
What a comfort...I don't need to know what to pray every second of every day...or every nano-second of every minute as I sit next to my precious dad.
And I come back to this: I don't know how to watch someone I love suffer and die.
I don't want to know how...
But I have to do it.
We all do.
So as I blubber and struggle with conflicting prayers such as:
Lord, please take him quickly so he won't suffer - and
Lord, please allow him to be with us for just a little longer...
I hope I'm doing this right...
I love him so...
But this I know...
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
For you are with me.
Your rod and your staff,
they comfort me."
God is my comfort...
There's one way to do this right (with or without a never-ending flow of tears), and that is to Trust in the One who knows the number of our days...
Trust Him to to be present with my dad, quiet him with His love and rejoice over him with singing as He ushers my dad home.
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
- There is a song that I cannot sing without tearing up.
- I hear the refrain and I think, oh no, here we go...
- Sure enough, my eyes fill with tears and I struggle to sing.
- I want to sing, I want to fill my lungs with the melody of this beautiful anthem to my Savior's faithfulness.
- But it takes a minute to pull myself together...
- ’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!
- Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
- Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.
- I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.
Why does this song affect me so?
Because it has been played out in my life over and over.
It is so sweet to trust in Jesus.
I can take Him at His word.
I can rest upon His promise.
I do know "Thus saith the Lord!"
And I know that He is with me.
He will be with me to the end.
As a mom, this song is even more precious as I apply it to my children.
All three of my kids are embarking on big, awesome, life-altering endeavors.
My son has started Physician's Assistant school...
My daughter and her husband have started thru hiking the Pacific Crest Trail...
My youngest daughter is finishing college next week with the desire to make ministry her life.
All four of them belong to Jesus...and I can trust Him.
And now I'm tearing up because it is so sweet to trust in Jesus.
Oh for grace to trust Him more!
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
I was dressed in my team jersey, a plate of essential Super bowl food on my lap and a heart filled with faith that my team would win. With each touchdown, interception and blocked pass, I jumped up and cheered for the athletes who would bring home the trophy! That day, I looked like any devoted fan. I had all of the necessary accouterments and passion to spare. The truth is, I had only watched three games that season…the games leading up to the Superbowl. The truth is, I had purchased a shirt the day before the game. The truth is, I am a fair-weather fan. Only those closest to me knew my secret. To everyone else, I appeared to be die-hard. It was only when the stakes were high that my interest was piqued.
I've done the same thing in my relationship with God. Life is busy. Sometimes I coast along, only occasionally opening my bible. I read His Word, distracted by sounds and activity around me. After a busy day, I crawl into bed and begin to pray--falling asleep before I’ve said “amen”.
Then a crisis occurs. It doesn’t have to be a big crisis…anything that is surprising or inconvenient. I fall on my knees in prayer. I search my bible for answers. The crisis passes. God is good. The cycle begins again and I’m back to being a fair or, more accurately, foul weather pursuer of God.
The difference between faith and football is that I’m not fooling God. He knows my heart. He knows that my devotion is sometimes dependent on circumstances. His Word says that when we draw near to Him we will receive grace and mercy in our time of need. Drawing near is a daily commitment of acknowledging His presence in my life…talking to Him moment by moment and reading His Word. It’s not for Him that I do those things, it’s His gift to me. It’s a gift that I receive over and over, day after day. I have free and total access to the Almighty. In a world where important people are protected and shielded from the “commoners”, it is amazing that the God of the universe will meet with me personally, whenever I choose…He waits for me…interested…loving me even when I’m distracted from Him.
I'm thankful that He is patient as I grow day by day in my walk with Him.
1 John 2:28 – And now, little children, abide in him so that when he appears we may have confidence and not shrink from him in shame at his coming.
Monday, April 24, 2017
My twins were five years old and starting to lose their baby teeth. I looked forward to being the tooth fairy for them like my mom had done for me. My mother wrapped a coin in pink, stretchy crepe paper and, while I slept, exchanged the pretty package for my tooth. I never caught her and she never forgot.
My daughter lost the first tooth and I performed right on cue. Success! Two lost teeth later I fell asleep on the job, waking up the next morning—neglecting to perform my tooth fairy duties. I jumped up in a panic and ran to my son’s room. Luckily, I managed to make the exchange just as he stirred awake.
“Mom, what are you doing?” he asked
“Oh, I was just checking to see if the tooth fairy came.” I said.
His eyes popped open as he stuck his arms under his pillow “Yes she did! Look!”
It was a close call but my cover wasn’t blown.
The next time the tooth fairy was called to duty, I snuck into my daughter’s room a little too soon and her eyes opened as I searched under her pillow for the tooth box.
A few more teeth and a few close calls later, I resigned myself to being a sub-par tooth fairy. How could I be so bad at something so simple? I hoped the kids weren’t on to my secret, but my hopes were dashed one spring day.
My kids ran in the door from kindergarten, both speaking over each other to tell me a story. On the playground, a kid was bragging about his mother’s important job and all the other kids had joined in.
“Mom, Sara’s mom is a nurse,” my daughter said.
“Mark’s mom is a hair cutter,” my son added.
“Jessica’s mom is a teacher.”
“John’s mom works at a bank.”
I could see where this playground conversation had gone and as a stay-at-home mom, I wondered what they had said my job was.
“What did you say I do?” I asked.
In unison, they exclaimed, “You’re the tooth fairy!”
They were elated to have unloaded the secret they’d been keeping for quite some time. Upon further questioning, I realized that they didn’t think I was just their tooth fairy, but they had assumed that I was the tooth fairy for every child in the world. The other kids were very impressed. After I stopped laughing, I told them the truth, that yes, I was the tooth fairy. They’d caught me.
Truth be told, over the course of the previous months of tooth fairy failure, I had grown to dread the words “Mom, I lost a tooth.” I associated it with another opportunity to drop the ball. Try as I might, I simply couldn’t get my act together at the end of a long day. It was one in a string of ways I thought I didn’t quite measure up to other moms.
When my children told me their story, I was blessed. God had not used my lackluster tooth fairy skills to point to my inadequacy, He’d used it to build me up. He showed me that my children naturally thought the best of me. Instead of disappointment that I was a bad tooth fairy, they had thought me an even more excellent tooth fairy.
As I mothered my kids to adulthood, the opportunities for guilt and comparison were never lacking. When frustration with my shortcomings would rear it’s ugly head, the Lord graciously reminded me that I was the tooth fairy. I remembered that even though I fail in some areas, I am God’s pick for my kids. He did not make a mistake in assigning me to my children, quite the contrary. He put us together on purpose—with purpose—that He would be glorified. God’s grace is not a one-time gift, limited to salvation, it is a daily gift, one that we can choose to receive over and over as we muddle through motherhood. God lavishes his grace on us, not wanting us to beat ourselves up when we fall short, but sweetly reminding us that His grace is enough.
2 Corinthians 12:9 (ESV) But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Friday, March 17, 2017
1. I do not know what old is. We asked about the age of a cathedral and the guide said “It’s new, built in the 18th century...”
2. If you have trouble immediately knowing your right from your left, it is exponentially exacerbated when you drive on the left-hand side of the road and are asked which way to turn next…I said the wrong direction 1,254 times.
3. Irish people are some of the friendliest people in the whole wide world.
4. I do not like straight whisky.
5. I do, however, like Irish coffee.
6. Lambs are pure joy. I’m convinced they set the standard for joy when God first created joy.
7. Sheep run from the sound of a human voice.
8. You don’t have to pay the VAT tax as a tourist—you can apply to get all taxes paid back to you. Learnt that a few days in, unfortunately, and didn’t have all of the proper receipts.
9. “Half eight” is not four. It is 8:30.
10. Irish people eat a lot of “chips”, otherwise known as french fries. They serve them with everything…even pizza. Chips are called crisps.
11. If it’s raining now, it won’t be in a wee bit.
12. The Easter Rising for Ireland’s independence was 100 years ago—went to a centenary celebration and learnt so much.
13. An Irish breakfast is heavy on the protein, translation: so much meat.
14. Most Irish children are not chained to “entertainment”. We spent several hours outside (rain and sunshine) at the Easter Rising celebration with speeches and music. Literally hundreds of children of all ages played and chased and entertained themselves and we did not see a single child gazing at a phone or tablet. It was refreshing.
15. Irish people are not afraid to talk to strangers. They will stop you in the street to chat. I met a few characters that will appear in my writing, I’m sure of it.
16. Castles are everywhere…in sheep fields, on the side of a winding road, in the yard of a more modern house. We imagined people saying, “I have an abandoned castle in my yard, no big deal”…
17. The Irish brogue is utterly beautiful.
18. The Irish love America…Americans…all things American. We were thankful.
19. Irish people look surprised when you tell them what a beautiful country they have. I suppose if you’ve lived there forever, you forget.
20. Early barrel makers are some of the hardest-working people on earth. Learnt that at the Guiness Storehouse.
21. Irish people love sweets.
22. They do not, however, put maple syrup on their pancakes…and they eat a lot of pancakes. Stacks of pancakes sit next to scones in bakeries. They eat them on the go.
23. There is no definable border between Ireland and Northern Ireland. You just arrive. You can tell you’re there when the currency changes from Euro to Pound Sterling.
24. The conflicts in Belfast are still brewing right under the surface. I understand it a bit better after taking a black cab tour around the “troubled” area. It was eye-opening.
25. The Titanic museum in Belfast is worth every single red pence.
26. The Cliffs of Moher are pronounced, Mo-Her, not More…and they are stunningly beautiful.
27. Irish music is the saddest and happiest music we’ve ever heard—and beautiful.
28. Rocket is delicious. They use it on pizza, in salad, it’s everywhere. We loved it and then we came home and discovered Rocket is Arugula. :)
29. Irish people stay up late and sleep in. B&B hosts serve breakfast at 9 – 10am Early risers have to adjust.
30. Ireland is known for her writers. I understand why. Ireland is rich in beauty, characters and story.
It’s been a year since our visit to Ireland. Every time I remember a moment of our visit, I smile. It was, by far, one of my favorite trips of all time.
*Learnt is an Irish/English form of learned. (For the spelling/grammar Nazis out there.) :)
Wednesday, March 8, 2017
My daughter has a Panera rewards card.
This month she got a super duper bonus reward.
She gets a free bagel every single day of the month of March.
When she told me this, my first thought was, They have no idea what they’ve just done.
There is a Panera not far from her apartment.
She will collect every single bagel coming to her.
To my daughter, a broke college student, a bagel is gold.
It’s only March 8th and they know her already.
She walks in the door and they ask “Hey, what kind do you want today?”
She tells them and they hand it to her…free.
I’ll be honest, I’m a little jealous.
I want to be rewarded like that, I know for a fact that I’ve been a more faithful Panera customer.
But it seems my expenditures and my loyalty to Panera are all but forgotten, except for the occasional dollar off of a You Pick Two…sigh…
Like Panera, God loves to give rewards.
Unlike Panera, God’s rewards are not random.
God rewards our love and faithfulness to Him.
He loves to reward us.
And, boy, do we love rewards!
God warns us in His word, though, not to seek reward for ourselves.
“Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.
“Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.” – Matthew 6:1-4
When we are public with our faithfulness, the accolades we receive in real time are the only reward we will receive.
The praise of man is good, it feels good, but what am I sacrificing when I settle for that?
The bible speaks of God’s reward as an inheritance (Colossians 3:23,24)…what no human mind has conceived (1 Cor. 2:9)…He will lift us up (1 Pet 5:6; James 4:10)…a crown that will last forever (1 Cor 9:25)…a good harvest (Galatians 6:9) and so, so much more.
The praise of man pales in comparison.
And a bagel…well, it’s just a bagel.
Monday, March 6, 2017
The prompt was given at a writing class I attended at the community college. My favorite line came immediately to mind but I knew I couldn't write it. It was dumb. I thought some more, surely there was another line to choose...Nope, no other line came to mind so I wrote my essay.
As luck, or rather, misfortune would have it, I was the last to share. Everyone else in the class chose profound quotes from classic movies. Their quotes had deep philosophical meaning, profound and influential. The lines were serious--with political or moral significance.
Mine was from a chick flick with little depth.
As each person shared, I wondered how to share my line without appearing goofy. Then I began wondering how to get out of sharing at all. I could say I drew a blank, except others had seen me writing feverishly during the exercise.
It was my turn.
I decided to own my favorite line and be proud. Who cares what anyone else thinks? And so I read:
"My favorite line from a movie is: “Everyone is Tad Hamilton to someone.”
A few of my classmates chuckled. I continued: "As my kids began dating and thinking about finding the one, we discovered the movie Win a date with Tad Hamilton. In a light and breezy way, the assumption that only the most beautiful person wins the guy or girl is unequivocally blasted to rubble.
Our hero, Pete, is in love with the unassuming Rosalee who enters a contest and wins a date with a movie star, Tad Hamilton. As a romance ensues, Pete tries desperately to win her heart, but the virile Tad has only to wink and cause hearts to melt like butter on a sweet roll.
When Rosalee seemingly chooses Tad forever, Pete seeks the advise of a barmaid who has always flirted with Pete, pining for his heart. Hearing his plight and knowing without a doubt that Pete loves Rosalee, she confesses that Pete is her Tad Hamilton. Pete is surprised and humbled.
Then she says the line: “Pete, everyone is Tad Hamilton to someone”. Her words give him courage and he runs to Rosalee and declares his love but she rejects him and runs off with the movie star. All hope seems lost, but as with all good stories, in the end, Rosalee realizes that the real Tad Hamilton is all buff and fluff. She's loved Pete all along.
The movie ends with a sappy dance in the rain, and the confirmation that sometimes the good guy does win the girl."
When I finished reading, I sensed understanding in my classmates. It's a universal angst, after all, that feeling that we're not pretty enough, not good enough and then, hopefully, the realization that we are loved, we are enough and we are who we're meant to be...that we're all Tad Hamilton to someone.